The First Churches of Salesology, Accountology & the Sacred Order of Engagement Metrics

In the beginning, there was LinkedIn. And the algorithm saw that it was good. But chaos reigned among the followers, for they knew not which self-proclaimed visionary to heed. And so, in the Year of Our Lord (Engagement), the Great Influencers did establish the First Holy Churches of Thought Leadership.

The Church of Salesology: Where Every Conversion is a Resurrection

Salesology was founded when the Prophet Grant “Always Be Closing” McMillan received divine revelation in a Vegas conference center. The message? “Thou shalt hustle, grind, and leverage synergies until the end of days.”

Its followers believe success is one LinkedIn poll away, and cold-calling is a sacred act of faith. Their baptism? Completing a sales funnel. Their holiest day? Q4, when they pray for pipeline acceleration. Heaven is an endless stream of warm leads; hell is a marketing team that refuses to “just get them in the room.”

Initiation involves selling ice to an Alaskan and booking a Fortune 500 CEO via a single emoji-laden DM.

The Church of Accountology: Blessed Be the Balance Sheet

Founded by Saint Darren of Deloitte, Accountology preaches financial compliance, client nurturing, and the cleansing power of tax deductions. Its gospel is spread via webinars, self-promotional LinkedIn posts, and guest spots on accounting podcasts.

Members confess fiscal sins: “Forgive me, CFO, for I expensed a business lunch that was, in truth, just a Nando’s with Greg from HR.” Their holy ritual? The Sacred Audit, where they must prove their worth with at least one VLOOKUP and a pivot table.

The biggest rift is about whether their logo should be blue, green or a bit greener. Whilst a schism brews over whether bookkeepers should be recognized within the faith. Some whisper they could be like nuns. Others remain sceptical, Not Enough Bread is staying way out of that hot mess. (DON’T MESS WITH BOOKKEEPERS!!!!)

The Sacred Order of Engagement Metrics: Click, Like, and Be Saved

The youngest movement arose when a rogue marketer unearthed the scrolls of the Facebook Algorithm and declared himself the Chosen One. His first sermon? A viral LinkedIn post beginning with “Not your typical post, but…”

Their trinity is Likes, Shares, and Comments. Their scripture is written in carousel posts; their hymns are low-effort TikToks with AI voiceovers. Salvation lies in Thought Leader status; damnation is the Algorithmic Shadowban.

Initiation requires sending 100 cold DMs with “Hey [First Name], love your content! Let’s connect!” without being blocked.

The Interfaith Council and the Holy War of Authenticity

Despite theological differences, all three churches plan to unite for the Grand Summit of Monetization. But a dangerous heresy rises—the Sect of Authenticity, preaching “not everything needs to be monetized.” The Council has condemned these blasphemers, warning against doctrines like “posting without an agenda” and “genuine human interaction.” Coincidently, Fake News slack channels are the only ones shared between each of the three churches.

Conclusion: False Prophets and the Algorithmic Gospel

In an era where influence is currency, or is it attention, or might be data? We can’t remember, but regardless many seek salvation in brands, thought leaders, and engagement metrics. We’ve traded stone temples for digital pulpits, ancient texts for content strategies, and priests for personal brands.

Can we truly trust them and would we let them look after our children? Many in the old religions have broken trust and failed to modernise to stay relevant, yet the human need for meaning and purpose remains. Many of this new wave are false prophets—in more ways than one and we didn’t even mention meme coins.

There are good eggs out there too, really good eggs, but telling the difference seems to be getting harder and harder.

Perhaps Santa is really Satan, and this is all part of his master plan???? But hey, if true, at least he knows how to build a brand and produce laser sharp targeting that converts better than that guy (and that guy… and that guy…) who promises you 10 guaranteed quality leads a month.