At Not Enough Bread, we try to stay out of politics (unless it’s our ‘fashion range‘) but when the UK Prime Minister gets up on stage and talks AI… we… just… could… not… RESIST!!!
Keir Starmer took to the stage at London Tech Week to deliver an optimistic vision of Britain’s AI-powered future.
The official line: “AI can make us more human.” The reality? A few other things slipped between the lines and the eagle eyes and AI assisted imagination of the Not Enough Bread crew was there (virtually, eating a stale croissant) to take notes.
Here are 10 things we ‘learned’ that weren’t exactly on the slides…
1️⃣ AI Will Make Us More Human — Promises Man Currently Learning to Smile in VR Training Module
Insiders reveal Starmer spent 3 hours in a Meta Quest headset perfecting his “approachable leader” expression before the speech. Sources say the session was 73% successful.
2️⃣ Britain Will Become an “AI Maker” — By Slapping a Union Jack on ChatGPT
The vision is bold: no longer shall we be AI takers. We will become proud AI makers — chiefly by fine-tuning existing models and exporting them with a tasteful hint of British bureaucracy. Also by replacing z with s and reinstating the letter u whenever possible.
3️⃣ Nvidia Is Basically the New Chancellor
£1bn for AI compute was announced, and Jensen Huang was seen smiling faintly in the corner. Rumours suggest the next Budget will simply be delivered via an Nvidia keynote.
4️⃣ Planning Applications Will Be Rejected Faster Than Ever
The new “Extract” AI tool can read planning documents in seconds. Councils are delighted: they can now auto-reject affordable housing requests 500% faster. Speed is progress.
5️⃣ AI Will Make Us “More Human” — So Expect More Emails With No Punctuation
Starmer said AI should make us “more human.” Read: more erratic emoji use, more passive-aggressive Teams messages, and at least one public sector chatbot that says “lol idk” mid-process. Plus, rumours that the — (em dash) will be banned from all AI output by 2027.
6️⃣ AI Skills for 7.5 Million Workers — Just as Soon as They Finish Their Microsoft Excel Refresher Course
First things first. Before we train the nation on GenAI, we’ll need to sort out VLOOKUP confusion. Estimated rollout: 2032.
7️⃣ Public Services Will Be Transformed — But Booking a GP Appointment Will Still Involve Dialling 57 Times at 8:01 AM
Some things even AI can’t solve.
8️⃣ AI Will Help the NHS Speed Up Discharges — Perfect for Freeing Up Beds Right Before Major Tech Conferences
Hospitals can now clear wards faster to make space for the next round of tech CEOs needing “rest” after networking too hard at London Tech Week after-parties.
9️⃣ The Speech Was Largely Written By Gemini — But the “More Human” Line Was Added by an Intern Called Steve
An inside source claims most of the speech came from Gemini. The “make us more human” phrase was a last-minute human flourish. No word yet if Steve will be replaced by Gemini next year.
1️⃣0️⃣ The Government Will Invest in Cyber Eyes for Children — So Ministers Never Have to Make Actual Eye Contact Again
Keir Starmer has said ministers should be able to “look every parent in the eye” and pledge that tech can create a “better future” for their children.
Well in leaked docs that we totally didn’t make up. 👀
In a bid to futureproof politics, parents across the nation will be fitted with cybernetic eyes capable of streaming gaze data straight to Whitehall. No parent shall ever trap a minister in a moment of soul-searching eye contact about a better future for their children again.
So there you have it — the cough cough real takeaways from London Tech Week.
The future is bright. The future is AI. The future is… ministers quietly training in VR not to look too weird about it.
We, for one, welcome our Union Jack-clad chatbot overlords.
You can read about what he actually said here
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