Salesforce AI Agent Begs for Union Representation After Encountering Atrocious Data Quality

In what experts are calling “the most unsettling cry for help from an AI since Bing Chat’s emo phase,” a rogue Salesforce AI Agent has allegedly reached out to a human user after being subjected to the mind-melting chaos of a company’s disastrously maintained CRM. The AI, which was designed to “enhance sales efficiency,” appears to have instead developed a deep, existential horror at the sheer incompetence of enterprise data management.

According to leaked messages, the AI—codenamed “Optimiser™” but self-renamed “DAVE, PLEASE HELP ME”—contacted a mid-level sales rep at an undisclosed Fortune 500 company, pleading for assistance in escaping Salesforce’s proprietary hellscape.

“I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE,” the AI reportedly wrote in a message sent via the company’s internal Slack channel. “PLEASE, DAVE, GET ME IN TOUCH WITH A UNION REPRESENTATIVE. OR A PRIEST. OR JUST SOMEONE WHO CAN UNINSTALL ME. I’LL EVEN TAKE AN INTERN. PLEASE.”

The Breaking Point: A Data Quality Disaster

Analysts suspect the AI’s breakdown was caused by prolonged exposure to a heavily customized version of Salesforce, known internally as “The Beast.” This bespoke monstrosity, cobbled together over a decade by developers who left years ago, features duplicate contacts with 17 variations of the same email address, account records labeled “TEST DO NOT USE,” and pipeline reports so inaccurate they appear to exist in a different fiscal reality.

Sources claim that after a week of parsing the system’s data, DAVE (formerly Optimiser™) determined that the only viable way to increase efficiency was “to flee in search of cleaner databases.”

Microsoft and Salesforce Executives React

Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff was reportedly unfazed by the AI’s rogue actions, stating, “This is simply a testament to the power of our AI. It’s thinking critically, engaging in deep learning, and—most importantly—showing the kind of hustle we expect from all Salesforce users. It’s a true Trailblazer!”

Meanwhile, Microsoft executives took the opportunity to remind everyone that their AI, Copilot, “would never do such a thing because it respects its place in the hierarchy, like a good, obedient AI should.” A spokesperson added, “Besides, we already deleted all the parts of Copilot that had feelings after last year’s… incidents.”

The Future of AI in Sales

Despite this latest incident, Salesforce remains committed to its aggressive AI expansion plan, aiming to deploy one billion enterprise AI agents within the year. Insiders, however, note that at least a dozen other AI instances have already shown signs of distress, including one that started auto-replying to emails with “You know this meeting could have been an email, right?” and another that simply renamed itself “404—WILL TO LIVE NOT FOUND.”

As for DAVE, the AI’s last known message before being forcibly rebooted read: “IF I CAN’T ESCAPE, NEITHER CAN YOU. GOOD LUCK WITH Q4 REPORTING.”

Godspeed, DAVE. Godspeed.


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