Employee Fired After HR Discovers His Child Is Actually a Robot Vacuum

John Matthews, a former data analyst at HyperCorp, was officially dismissed from his job last week after HR discovered that the “child” he had referenced in workplace conversations for the past three years was, in fact, his Roomba.

The scandal came to light during a routine review of employee benefits, when HR requested John provide his child’s name for a company-sponsored family health plan. According to sources, John attempted to submit the serial number ‘RMB-4500X’ in response, which immediately raised suspicion.

Years of Deception Uncovered

Multiple hearings revealed that John had managed to refer to his robotic offspring ambiguously for years, without anyone in the office ever questioning the details.

“I always called it ‘my child,’” John admitted. “No one ever asked its age, school, or even if it had a birthday party. I just kept it vague, and people assumed.”

John further defended his stance by stating that he self-identified his robot vacuum as his child.

“Who’s to say what constitutes a family?” he argued. “Parenting is about love and responsibility, not outdated definitions of what a child should be.”

He also admitted that he had briefly considered referring to it as his pet but decided against it.

“I figured if I called it my pet, people would ask more questions, like what breed it was or if it needed walking. ‘Child’ was just easier.”

Coworkers recalled John frequently leaving work early, citing concerns such as “making sure my child got home safely” or “my child isn’t feeling well, so I need to work from home.” On several occasions, John had to “stay home for an important delivery for my child,” which, in retrospect, may have just been replacement brushes and a new charging dock.

“I honestly thought John was just one of those ultra-private parents,” said a colleague who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, in this day and age, who questions a dad taking a day off for their kid? Turns out the ‘kid’ was just autonomously bumping into furniture at home.”

HR’s Verdict and the Fallout

HR initially struggled to classify John’s deception. “There’s no rule against loving a Roomba,” admitted HyperCorp’s HR director. “But there are rules against three years of fraudulent sick leave, paid paternity benefits, and an unauthorized ‘bereavement’ day when, as we now know, the device ran out of battery under the couch for a full 24 hours.”

John was ultimately terminated for ‘gross misconduct and misuse of company policies.’ However, he remains defiant.

“This is discrimination against non-traditional families,” he stated in an interview. “My child may be circular and communicate solely through a series of beeps, but that doesn’t make our bond any less real.”

Sources close to John say he is considering legal action. In the meantime, he has launched a GoFundMe campaign titled ‘Justice for My Child RMB-4500X,’ aiming to raise money for what he calls ‘repairs, therapy, and an extended warranty.’

HyperCorp has since issued a company-wide policy clarification stating that ‘a child must possess at least one (1) biological organ to qualify for family benefits.’