Leaked Docs Reveal LinkedIn Planning ‘OnlyMiddles’—A Subscription Platform for Middle Managers

In a move that has shocked absolutely nobody, leaked internal documents (allegedly discovered inside a now disused WeWork nap pod) suggest that LinkedIn is seriously considering launching a premium content platform exclusively for middle managers. Dubbed “OnlyMiddles,” the new service will allow regional directors, senior coordinators, and vice presidents of synergy to finally monetize their thought leadership, one corporate jargon-laden post at a time.

A Bold New Era for Monetizing the Mundane

The documents—suspected to have been leaked by an intern who mistook them for a casual Friday meme proposal—indicate that LinkedIn executives are deeply concerned that the platform is missing out on the influencer economy. Unlike literally every other social media site, LinkedIn currently doesn’t pay users for engagement, nor does it allow professionals to put premium content behind a paywall. This, according to the slides from the internal presentation, is “leaving substantial revenue on the table and depriving middle managers of the opportunity to hustle harder.”

“leaving substantial revenue on the table and depriving middle managers of the opportunity to hustle harder.”

How OnlyMiddles Works

So, how does it work? Much like other subscription-based platforms, users will be able to create exclusive content for their paying subscribers. But instead of explicit photos or steamy content, OnlyMiddles will provide premium access to such titillating middle-management delights as:

  • “After-Hours Synergy Sessions” – Exclusive 20-minute monologues on the importance of cross-functional collaboration, delivered in the same tone as a TED Talk but without the standing ovation.
  • “Spreadsheet Peep Shows” – Thrilling Excel walkthroughs where mid-level execs reveal their most optimized KPI tracking formulas in real time.
  • “Slow-Burn Status Updates” – Behind-the-scenes breakdowns of how a single email thread took 27 business days to resolve.
  • “Boardroom ASMR” – 4K recordings of a VP whispering “let’s circle back on this” over the sound of distant keyboard clacking and a Keurig machine brewing aggressively in the background.

The Subscription Model: Real Dough for Corporate Celebrities

LinkedIn believes that middle managers have long been overlooked in the influencer economy. While CEOs have book deals and keynote speaking gigs, the unsung heroes of bureaucracy have been left to accumulate nothing but stress and a robust collection of branded water bottles from industry conferences.

OnlyMiddles seeks to change that by allowing these professionals to earn through monthly subscriptions. A LinkedIn Premium user might pay $9.99/month to access “The Art of Passive-Aggressive Feedback” series, while an enterprise subscriber could shell out $49.99 for unlimited access to “PowerPoint Decks That Look Good But Say Nothing.”

A Revolutionary Monetization Strategy—Or Just Another LinkedIn Gimmick?

While some insiders argue that OnlyMiddles is just an attempt to keep up with the “LinkedIn Influencer” phenomenon (where people who haven’t worked a real job in years post 1,000-word stories about how they learned leadership from their Uber driver), others believe it’s a natural evolution of the platform.

The only question left is whether middle managers are ready to become the next wave of subscription-based superstars. Will “executive strategy unboxings” be the new ASMR? Can “10-Minute Motivational Standups” replace motivational cat posters? Only time will tell.

In the meantime, prepare yourself for a LinkedIn feed filled with “Exclusive Content – Subscribe Now” posts from your regional sales director, because the future of corporate clout-chasing is here, and it has a subscription fee.

Who’s laughing now Elon???

The billionaire once chuckled at a viral post comparing LinkedIn to OnlyFans for middle managers, but with OnlyMiddles, the joke is no longer hypothetical. As middle managers begin cashing in on their boardroom buzzwords, synergy-infused storytelling, and riveting budget forecasting content, one thing becomes clear: The hustle never stops, and even the most mundane corporate chatter has a price tag it seems. Perhaps it’s time for Musk to start taking notes—or at least consider launching “OnlyTechBros”.

Finally, spare a thought for the X accounts and subreddits that exist solely to ridicule LinkedIn posts. If the only way to continue their noble work is by paying for the privilege, their future looks bleak. Perhaps some will take the plunge—provided the first month is heavily discounted and the price ends in a 7.

We just can’t wait for the first live stream of firing over a 1,000 people in 24 hours. Plus, the literal days of additional behind the scenes content and PowerPoint decks. TAKE OUR MONEY!!!!


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