AI Revolution Causes Outrage as Workers Start Finishing on Time

For years, employees across the world have been engaged in a never-ending game of “one more thing before you go,” a sacred tradition passed down from generation to generation. But thanks to the advent of artificial intelligence, the unthinkable has happened: workers are actually finishing their tasks on time.

And, much to the horror of middle managers everywhere, they are logging off at the end of their contracted hours.

“It’s a catastrophe,” lamented Steve Blenkinsop, a Senior Synergy Facilitator at a mid-sized consulting firm. “We implemented AI to boost productivity, not to let people leave on time. The whole point of efficiency is to do more work, not… whatever this is.”

The AI Menace: Completing Work Faster Than It Can Be Pointlessly Reassigned

AI tools, originally heralded as a way to help employees be more productive, have instead begun optimizing workflows so well that many office workers now find themselves completing an entire day’s worth of work by 5 pm. Some have even dared to take full lunch breaks—an unprecedented act of rebellion in corporate history.

“We knew AI could automate processes, but we didn’t expect it to expose just how little of our workload was necessary in the first place,” said Laura Jennings

Laura, an IT specialist recently discovered that 90% of her job was spent “circling back” on emails that should never have been sent in the first place.

“Now, I’m facing the very real fear that my boss might invent work just to keep me chained to my desk.”

One worker that asked not to be named was quoted as saying,

“I used to sneak off to the pub at 6:30 p.m. Sure, I was supposed to finish at 5:30 p.m., but I felt so guilty that I was still answering emails half cut until gone 8 pm. Now I’m in the pub at 5:30 p.m. and don’t even think to look at my emails, not once.”

Managers Scramble to Restore Useless Tasks

With employees becoming dangerously close to achieving an actual work-life balance, managers worldwide have launched an emergency counter-offensive: creating new, completely pointless tasks to keep workers occupied.

“We’ve had to innovate,” admitted Martin Fiddlesticks, Head of Corporate Engagement at a multinational firm.

“We’ve introduced mandatory ‘Synergy Calibration Meetings’—essentially hour-long video calls where everyone just nods along while someone repeats what’s already in an email. It’s been a huge success in restoring inefficiency.”

Could AI Actually Deliver the 4-Day Work Week?

With artificial intelligence demonstrating that some jobs can be done in significantly less time than previously thought, discussions about a four-day workweek have resurfaced with renewed vigour. AI advocates argue that the technology could enable companies to cut hours while maintaining productivity, improving employee well-being, and reducing burnout.

Naturally, this has caused widespread panic among upper management.

“A shorter workweek?” scoffed Helen Grimbsy from the golf course, a Vice President of Employee Oversight.

“That’s a slippery slope to people enjoying their lives. If we let that happen, next thing you know, they’ll be asking for raises, ergonomic chairs, or even—God forbid—unlimited PTO.”

It’s not just in the workplace either. One business event organiser was astonished that 99% of the people in attendance were actually paying attention to the guest speaker and not sat using their laptops doing work. Sadly, one person ruined it for everyone by taking a call and running into the lobby.

The Real Threat: Workers Discovering How Much Time Has Been Wasted

The biggest concern among executives isn’t the loss of productivity—it’s the fear that employees will realize just how much of their time has been squandered in unnecessary meetings, redundant reports, and bizarre corporate rituals.

In response, several Fortune 500 companies have begun testing “AI Workload Enhancement Programs,” which subtly reintroduce inefficiencies through automated busywork generation.

“We’re training our AI to generate spreadsheets that require manual correction, emails with vague instructions, and reports that must be reformatted endlessly. It’s a game-changer for ensuring people stay at their desks,” said an HR representative who wished to remain anonymous.

AI: Productivity Tool or Capitalism’s Biggest Mistake?

As workers continue to embrace AI-driven efficiency, many wonder whether the true mistake was allowing technology to highlight just how unnecessary their prolonged work hours actually are. Could AI be the key to a better work-life balance, or will companies find ever more insidious ways to ensure people are working longer than necessary?

One thing is certain: if AI keeps eliminating pointless tasks, companies will have no choice but to roll up their sleeves and do what they do best—finding new and innovative ways to waste everyone’s time, only to moan about productivity… again and again and again and again and again and again…